Saint Mark’s Cathedral, Venice, Italy, 2012
In the beginning, in those first few months of entering into The Stillness, I often wrestled with the idea that He would choose me. I found it hard to understand how I could maintain a matter of fact attitude, one where I listened or experienced and then calmly wrote down everything that I heard or that took place. I constantly battled between feeling unworthy and actually being called. Today I am sharing one of the earlier Journey Through Stillness entries that reflects exactly that. Rather than quiet silence, I am talking in prayer directly to Him. There seems to be absolutely no doubt in my mind that He is listening, and it sums up what I feel many others must feel. Like me, there are many who have had faith journeys that were hot and cold, on and off. I have come to learn that it is only in complete surrender to all that is Him, do I maintain momentum along my journey. When I fight to keep control, I find myself on a very bumpy road indeed. In surrender, I realize that I am an unworthy sinner, and yet worthy to be called as only a child of God can be. If you struggle with the idea that God would call on someone such as yourself, talk to Him, pray to Him for discernment and guidance. Ask Him for greater faith and greater courage to follow His will. Ask His help to learn to be still before Him. He will hear and answer you; this I know.
From Journey Through The Stillness, Feb 21, 2010 – How great your love that You would deign to talk to me, a speck, a soul amongst infinite souls, a speck of dust, a speck of nothingness. How great my vanity that I would presume it. I fear, Lord, that I am one of the lukewarm souls You speak of, or at a minimum, hot and cold, off and on. I so want to be a soul on fire with your love every moment. I want to be a soft place for you to land. Do not drop me, Lord, for now I do not know how to pray without listening, and would be lost completely if I could no longer feel your embrace. I know my unworthiness and I long to be that soul where your joy can shine forth to all. Help me, Oh Lord, to learn your ways, that I might reflect your glory every moment. Create in me that clean heart and kindle in me the fire of your love so I can carry out your every wish, for alone, I know I will fail.
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