Journey Through The Stillness – March, 2010
Mar 1, 2010 – “As I have loved you, so must you love others. When you judge them, I must judge you. Yours is to share My joy with others. Mine is to decide how it will affect each soul.”
Mar 1, part 2 – God-incidences – While driving today, I was listening to a CD called “The Truth” by Father Larry Richards. Father describes how he came to accept the love of Jesus and how he learned that he was really His son. He knew his mission would be to tell others that they are really sons and daughters of God. He spoke of being with Jesus and laying his head on His chest.
(Note the references to prior Stillness entries. I feel I am being reassured that what I am experiencing is real, or at the very least, others have had similar experiences!)
Mar 2, 2010 – Today the message came through my reading in Daily Word. “The words that I SPEAK unto you, they are Spirit and they are Life.” I have learned to pay attention, to look for God interacting in my life in many ways. As He said in The Stillness earlier, we miss so much when we don’t pay attention. I have learned that it is not always a clearly spoken voice, but sometimes a feeling, or yearning. Sometimes it is in a tear, or a smile. Sometimes it is in the timing of little, or big, things. Sometimes He yells at us (as He does me), or literally hits us over the head. People tend to explain things such as these away by calling them coincidences. I call them God-incidences. (I have especially tried to notate in the margins of my journals and Sr. Faustina’s Diary where I have found God-incidences too compelling not to do so, however, there have been many, many more throughout my days, throughout my lifetime.)
Mar 2, part 2 – During my Rosary, Jesus seems to be prompting me in three ways.
1) In meditating on the Sorrowful Mysteries of Christ’s Passion, I feel that Jesus, but then Mary, says to tell them that if anyone goes into The Stillness, because of my leading them through my own personal journey, they will hear Jesus speak to them. The promise is based on a sincerity on their part, even if it is grown first out of a curiosity. If they continue in truth, faith, and hope, they will be rewarded. (Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.)
2) That I should go to morning Mass at Holy Spirit, take my Stillness Journal with me, and, after Mass, sit before Jesus in The Stillness. I am to remain there to write in this journal.
3) To put a reading list on my Facebook site of some of the books that brought me to the point in my life that I was willing to begin my journey into The Stillness.
Mar 3, 2010 – Today it is Jesus, crowned with thorns and holding the whip with which He was scourged. He bids me to feel the heavily knotted, lead beads at the ends of the leather strips. I am sickened by the thoughts of His pain. I deplore my part in it, and beg forgiveness of my many sins. It is hard to hold my mind there. I hear Fr. Bluett’s voice calling me back, saying, “Wait, Martha, don’t leave.” Jesus reminds me that He has asked me to go to Holy Spirit for morning Mass and wait before Him in The Stillness. I said I will go either tomorrow morning or Friday morning. I tell Him I am feeling overwhelmed with all the images, and what I should do about them. I feel that, art wise, I will never be able to keep up. Jesus tells me, “Just write down what you see, draw when you feel prompted, and LEAVE the rest to Me.”
Mar 3, part 2 – During my Rosary (Glorious Mysteries), Mary let me know that, besides the pain and agony she went through, there was also JOY:
Resurrection – Exuberance! … That her Son was not dead, but was Risen, Alive!
Ascension – Proud! … That her Son was taking His rightful place. He had been vindicated!
Descent of Holy Spirit – Consoled! … That all of His work on earth was not in vain. That none would be forsaken. His Spirit would ever guide them!
Assumption – Ecstasy! … That she was reunited with her Son. She was able to see Him in all His Glory!
Coronation – Humility! … That she would be forever remembered and loved by many. She would serve as a gateway to her Son!
(It seems that, since I was so nervous to have both Mary and Jesus approach me in The Stillness, Mary has chosen to communicate with me through the Rosary.)
Mar 4, 2010 – Today The Stillness is vague. (hazy?) My message was actually in Sr. Faustina’s Diary, (entry #1389) “Oh, My Jesus, although I have such very strong impulsions, I am to act on them slowly, and this only in order not to spoil your work with my haste. O my Jesus, You give me to know your mysteries, and You want me to transmit them to other souls. Soon it will be possible to act.”
Today, I am also very tired. He encourages me to rest … with Him.
Mar 4, part 2 – During my Rosary, (The Luminous Mysteries) before each mystery I asked Mary to let me know what she was feeling, and immediately as I began the prayers she did.
Baptism – Gratefulness! … For the grace of God’s Love to her Son, and to all mankind.
Wedding at Cana– Trust! … That her Son was God, made man, and that He loved her enough to do as she bid.
The Kingdom of God– Fulfillment! … That all the prophecies were manifested, that mankind was created to live in Eternity with God.
Eucharist – Peacefulness! … That God was embedded in her soul, that she was reunited with her Son, that this grace is gifted to all who believe.
Just before my Rosary, I lay down and rested for about 15 minutes as Jesus had bid me during The Stillness. I was still very tired and so, as I began to ride my elliptical trainer and say the Rosary, I offered my tiredness to God. During theKingdomofGod Mystery, the devil was actively trying to get me to stop. I mentally yelled at him to be gone! While I was focusing on the part of the Hail Mary that says “pray for us NOW and …” I saw Mary get a broom and begin to sweep towards him. He pressed on. And then, with a Mother’s vengeance, Mary picked up a baseball bat. She chased after him wielding it and yelling at him to be gone! He was instantly gone! Now, I am praying Hail Marys and laughing as I recognize the symbolism of the baseball bat. Baseball was a large part of our family as our children grew up. Now, I am laughing and crying because, at once, I see that Mary is telling me the Rosary is my baseball bat to use to root all evil in the lives of my children, (I have been praying continually for the faith of my children!)
Here, I must say that I am so in awe of all that is going on. Sometimes I just say, “What do I think I am doing!? Who am I that this should be happening to me?” It scares me, yet I am filled with joy and humbleness.
Mar 5, 2010 – I did as you bid me, Lord. I attended morning Mass here at Holy Spirit. I brought my Stillness Journal and came before your image of Divine Mercy for The Stillness. You bid me remain calm and leave my anxiety and fear behind. Then You asked, “Martha, Do you give yourself wholly to me? Do you trust in my outcomes?” I am fearful to give Him control; my loved ones need me to be there for them; to pray for them. He had me repeat over and over, and over – They have pierced my hands and my feet; they have numbered all my bones. He says, “I did this for YOU. Think about this.” He holds my gaze with His and will not let go. He will not let me look elsewhere. I need to think about this. He wants an answer. “Do you give your life completely over to me?” I am unsure, I am frightened. He knows this and looks at me even more intensely. I say that I do not want the devil in my life or my loved ones’. He says, “The only way is to give your life to me.” I say I have offered you my children, many times and many years ago. He says, “I have heard you since your childhood, especially after Eucharist as you always prayed, Look down upon me … they have pierced my hands and my feet, they have numbered all my bones … Now you have added this statement at the end of your Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet. Do you fully know and mean what you are saying? I like that you have added it, but it must be sincere; it must mean something. Do you give yourself to me?”
He keeps asking the question and I keep thinking what that would mean. I am scared to truly suffer, and I am worried about Turner and my children. He lets me understand that He has their best in His heart and through me they will come to know Him more. Tears are rolling down my face now. I give my life over to Jesus to do with as He will. He will not forsake me; He will not leave me alone.
NOTE – Think about the fact that this exact journal entry ended up being my post to Facebook on April 4th, Easter Sunday!!! God-incidence? There IS no other explanation!!!!
Mar 7, 2010 – Today I am away visiting my daughter and son-in-law. Reading in Sr. Faustina’s Diary, Jesus, once again, lets me know that all of this is real. On Friday I had gone to morning Mass as He bid me. During my time in The Stillness there He said that He has heard me since my childhood in my prayer offering after Eucharist. (From very early on I had memorized the “Prayer Before A Crucifix”, and ever since have prayed it after Holy Communion.) In the Diary today I read entry #1404, “Hidden Jesus, in You lies all my strength. From my most tender years, the Lord Jesus, in the Blessed Sacrament, has attracted me to Himself.” Here are the words to this beautiful prayer.
Prayer Before A Crucifix
Look down upon me good and gentle Jesus,
while before thy face I humbly kneel.
And with burning soul, I pray and beseech Thee
to fix deep within my heart
lively sentiments of faith, hope, and charity,
true contrition for my sins,
and a firm purpose of amendment.
Meanwhile, I contemplate with great love
and tender mercy Thy five most precious wounds,
pondering over them within me, and calling to mind,
the words which David, in prophecy,
made Thee say concerning Thyself, my Jesus,
They have pierced my hands and my feet;
They have numbered all my bones.
Mar 8, 2010 – In The Stillness,Frances keeps coming to mind. I feel she must need extra prayers so I will try to offer up all for her today. Oh, Lord, watch over Turner’s sister. If within your will, grant her physical healing. Give her strength and courage. And, Lord, enwrap her soul with a cloak of faith and trust in You. She is in great need of your Divine Mercy.
Mar 9, 2010 – Jesus places His arms under mine and gently begins to lift me up. I immediately say, “No, No, You are not taking me anywhere!” He says, “Just relax and come along with me.” We float upwards. I am not sure I want to go, or that I can deal with it. I begin squirming, kicking. He says, “Relax, Martha. Stop all this kicking and squirming. Just enjoy this.” We go up through the clouds, and then through more clouds. We break through and now are on top of a sea of white. Then I see my mother. She is beautiful, smiling, sparkling with happiness. I say, “Oh, Mama, I love you.” We embrace and I say, “I miss you so much, Mama.” She says she loves me too and then she says, “You can do so much more from here.” Jesus takes me again and says it is time to go. He quickly brings me floating back. I am thanking Him for letting me see my Mom. He says, “I needed you to hear that.” Then The Stillness is abruptly over, as always.
(Note – My husband, Turner, had not seen this journal entry on April 3rd when we went to say our goodbyes to his sister, Frances. As we sat there together with her, one of many things he said to her was that she needn’t worry about her children and family here. Everything would be fine … besides, she could do more from there (Heaven). I just LOOKED at him, because I knew I hadn’t told him about what my Mom had said.)
Mar 10, 2010 -Today, at the beginning, as I sit with Jesus’ hands on my head in blessing, Mary appears at my side. She places one hand on my right shoulder and her other hand on Jesus’ shoulder. I begin to cry what I call sinful tears. Jesus has to tell me to hold them back so I will be able to focus. The picture I have drawn of Mary comes to mind. She says, “WE are very pleased with the artwork you have done. Continue on and paint it.” I question, “Are you really here too, Mary?” (Sometimes I think I question the reality because I am scared or unsure about doing what I know is mine to do.) Mary says, “Yes, Martha. I AM here and WE WANT you to go forward with the artwork. Paint it. Carry on!” The Stillness ends.
Mar 11, 2010 – Today, Jesus is standing in front of me holding a beautiful little lamb. He bids me to pet it and I do. It brings such soothing joyfulness. He tells me to just enjoy the feelings. We are just together like this for several minutes. During this time one of my cats comes to my side and just sits very close. The Stillness ends.
Mar 12, 2010 – Jesus is here smiling, happy, today. He doesn’t say anything. He is just here, and I am here.
Mar 13, 2010 – It is about the Trinity today and images: I see the Hands of God, Jesus with hands out, and the Holy Spirit Dove within.
Mar 14, 2010 – Before going to Mass, I haven’t much time to be in The Stillness, but I ask Him to reward me with His presence for my coming. I tell Him I am going to spend this day in Joy with Turner, and that I love him. I tell Him that I will bring Turner even closer to Him if He will allow, and help me. He lets me know Turner is a good man; that He is with him. I thank Him for the CD’s that have been helping me learn more about Him; especially helping me to better understand His real presence in the Eucharist. He says, “Go, and enjoy the Mass, and enjoy the day!”
Mar 15, 2010 – Yesterday, I was on fire with enthusiasm for our Lord. Today, I have a tiredness, a dryness. But, Jesus still comes, as if to say, He will just be with me, just as I have been with Him. So we just sit. I rest. After a while The Stillness ends.
Mar 16, 2010 – He keeps repeating over and over, “Be still; Know that I am God.” He senses my joy that The Stillness time is here and He needs me calm. I feel His presence and tears begin to flow (because I know He sees who I really am). He lets them flow freely for a moment as I am now fully comprehending and saying, “My Lord and my God.” Then I am back to “why me?” He stops immediately as if He doesn’t want to go through all of that again. He says simply, “Because you are you.” I beg Him to not leave me to do His work on my own because I cannot do it without Him. I am unsure of where to go from here and He says, “This is not just about you. It is about others also…” (Sometimes I hear so much that, afterwards, I worry that I cannot remember it all to write down.) … “I will lead your writing. As you have said in The Stillness when you want to hold on to a message, if it is important, I will make sure you remember to write it down. I am here with you, Martha.”
Mar 17, 2010 – Jesus leads me through visions of every pet I have ever had. At first I feel the pain of losing each one but He reminds me of how much joy each brought to my life. He tells me, “The pain was necessary, for each brought something needed to your life at their time in your life.” It brings me great joy to see them whole, healthy, and happy all together! I thank God for the gift of each one in my life. Yes, the pain was worth the love and joy. It dawns on me that God is showing me, in a way that I can especially relate to, an inkling of the way He feels towards us, and all of His creation. We ARE WORTH His pain and suffering; we ARE WORTH His love!
Mar 18, 2010 – The Stillness is mid-morning due to a dentist appointment earlier. Jesus lets me see a group of angels forming a half circle around a seat (throne?). It is empty. They are smiling; softly singing. They seem to be waiting for someone to sit in the seat, so they can honor them. The setting is heavenly (?). It is bright. There are puffs of cloud matter around the ground at their feet and around the seat. I begin to count the hours on my fingers. Between the 4th and 5th finger The Stillness abruptly ends. Did I let go of it, or did He release me? I am unsure. (At the time I had the feeling that I was counting the hours 12:00, 1:00, 2:00, and 3:00. I believe The Stillness ended at the time of Jesus’ death on the Cross and the angels were joyfully awaiting His arrival home!)
Mar 19, 2010 – Afternoon Stillness, as I went to morning Mass, and then was called to take my Mother-in-law to the doctor. Jesus is there, and then Mary. They are standing together in front of me. I have been listening to some inspirational CDs in the car recently, and was made to understand that Mary is the portal; the open doorway to her Son, Jesus. They were here together today to confirm this and have me write it down.
Mar 20, 2010 – Today He invites me to walk along a gently flowing, smooth pebbled, forest stream. As we go along He tells me multiple times to breathe in His air. Then He says, “Breathe in the Breath of Life. Breathe in the cleansing Breath of Life. Breathe in deeply the cleansing, healing Breath of Life.” During this, at first, I am taking slow, deep, even breaths. But as He continues saying these things, we have stopped and He has turned to directly face me. My breathing is very deep, very strong and the release of breath is very long and pronounced. I don’t think I have EVER breathed quite like this, this deep and forceful. It is very different for me. He is looking directly into my eyes, and He says, “Breathe; Breathe in Me. Breathe Me into you.” After a while my breathing begins to calm and become more natural. I feel an ache in my heart (physically). I keep hearing “Sacred Heart”, in my mind. He says, “My Sacred Heart is in you.” I am dumbfounded. I do not know what to do. I ask Him, “What do you want of me; what am I to do?” He says, “Look it up in your Missal.” The Stillness is over.
I look up Sacred Heart (mine is still physically aching). There are several referenced pages. I choose page 366. It turns out to be “The Act of Consecration to The Sacred Heart of Jesus”. Essentially it is a prayer offering oneself to The Sacred Heart on behalf of those who have never known Him; those who have rejected Him; those who are deceived by erroneous opinions; and those who’s discord keeps them aloof. In consecrating oneself to The Sacred Heart of Jesus, it is asked of Him in return, that He bring these souls quickly to the harbor of truth and unity of faith, so that soon there may be but one flock and one Shepherd.
The ending part of the consecration prayer speaks very much to the upheaval that is our world today. It says, “Grant, O Lord, to Thy Church, assurance of freedom and immunity from harm; give peace and order to all nations, and make the earth resound from pole to pole with one cry; Praise be to the Divine Heart that wrought our salvation; to It be glory and honor forever. Amen.”
After reading this, I feel that God is leading me to the answer for a prayer of mine … that those who do not know Him, especially within my own extended family, will come to Him; that He will bring them even if they aren’t seeking Him. I am in awe, and my heart is still physically aching. I offer this discomfort up to you Lord for all these living souls who need You, but can’t find You.
Mar 21, 2010 – It is all about reaffirmation. Yesterday left me feeling quite vulnerable and I continued to question Him, and myself, as I went through the day. Every time I considered The Sacred Heart of Jesus mine began to physically ache; even now as I write about it. That same evening we went to Saturday Mass at The Mary Queen of The Universe Shrine, as we often do during tax season. There was a statue of The Sacred Heart of Jesus, which I had never seen there before. I saw it this time, only because I felt an urge to glance backward upon entering. After Mass I went back to that area to verify that I did see it! I kept questioning Jesus as to whether or not I had understood correctly when He said, “My Sacred Heart is IN you.” Every time my heart ached.
Then, this morning’s daily readings seem to be all about assuring me of the answer:
1) In “Enter The Garden” (a Lenten Devotional), I read these:
“I am alive in you…”
“Listen, my beloved. Your heart beats with Mine and we are
ONE. All that I am is yours.”
“Let Me FILL you, sustain you, encourage you, and BREATHE
THROUGH you. I love you. I am yours and you are mine.”
2) In “Daily Word” – Job 12:10 “In His hand is the life of every
living thing and the BREATH of every human being.”
3) In “God Calling” – Mar 21 – “Long though the way may seem, there is not one inch too much. I, your Lord, am not only with you on the JOURNEY … I planned, and am planning, the JOURNEY. There are JOYS unspeakable in the way you go. Courage – Courage – Courage.”
4) In Sr. Faustina’s Diary, “ Divine Mercy In My Soul” (See Diary#1556 & 1557) “…The Lord gave me to know that, among His chosen ones, there are some who are especially chosen, and whom He calls to a higher form of holiness, to exceptional union with Him … He sometimes demands of a particular soul a greater degree of love. Such a soul understands this call, because God makes this known to them interiorly, but the soul may either follow this call or not. It depends on the soul itself whether it is faithful to these touches of the Holy Spirit, or whether it resists them. I have learned there is a place in purgatory where souls will pay their debt to God for such transgressions…” Then this prayer: “O Jesus, keep me in holy fear, so that I may not waste graces. Help me to be faithful to the inspirations of the Holy Spirit.”
I am in awe, and humbled. I just now realize that on the Journey I have been visited by each member of the Holy Trinity. At this revelation my heart is aching even more, and I offer it to The Most Sacred Heart of Jesus. How will I, a lowly unjust servant, ever be able to share this in any believable manner? Yet, I trust in You, Jesus. In the name of God, The Father; God, The Son; and God, The Holy Spirit. Amen.
P.S. Dear Lord, I thank you for a personal prayer request answered by You in a most special way. All praise and glory are yours!
Mar 22, 2010 – The Stillness is Mary’s. We are together at the foot of the Cross. Jesus is gently laid down on the Cross and removed. It is a horrible tormenting pain for her to watch as they remove the nails and lift Him from the Cross. This is her SON, whom she gave birth to, and whom most of the world knew nothing about. Yet, for those who did, there was great promise. She keeps saying, “It is finished now; He is free.” They take Him to the tomb and place Him on her lap while they make ready. She looks upon His face with such tenderness and sorrow. She cannot take her eyes away from Him, lest she forget. They take Him again. They are ready for her. She begins the wrapping, slowly, gently. She kisses both of His cheeks and, quietly racked with sobs, she covers Him with the shroud. She looks up to God and says, “I send Him back to you, O, God, in order that your promise will be fulfilled, but I am empty now.” Then, we leave. Mary goes off to mourn and wait. The Stillness is over. I have been told to write this down.
O, Mary, you gave up all for us, that we might live.
Mar 23, 2010 – O, Most Sacred Heart of Jesus within me, lead me in what is mine to do. Let the beat within be strong and the longing ache ever constant, lest I forget. Grant me the wisdom, confidence, and talent to accomplish your work through whatever means You request. O, Most Holy Savior, grant that those souls, who for whatever reason might not otherwise receive it, may receive your saving grace through your most merciful and loving Sacred Heart. O, Most Sacred Heart of Jesus beating within me, commit me to thy ends and ask of me all that thy wish. Your mercy and grace shall be my salvation. Amen. (As I am writing this prayer my heart has been physically aching, serving as a reminder that He is within.)
Mar 24, 2010 – Jesus says, “I did not just choose you out of the clear blue, Martha. I have been preparing you for this for years. Your prayers, and they have been many through your journals and readings, have brought me to this decision. You desire to help so many others, especially your children and loved ones. Martha, your are going to be the VESSEL OF LOVE that draws them in, and the BEACON OF LIGHT that directs them to Me. Most especially your children, but then, Martha, it is between them and Me.”
In my prayer time this morning God affirmed the prayer of yesterday’s Journal, and He led me to the Spiritual Communion, which I am to perform as often as possible on behalf of souls, especially those who receive Him carelessly, and those who do not receive Him at all.
Mar 25, 2010 – I made a Spiritual Communion before The Stillness today, inviting Jesus within, and yet feeling the ache of His Sacred Heart, fully understanding that He is already within me. In The Stillness I ask, “What now, Lord? If I am to have your Sacred Heart beating, living in me, then what is it you want from me?” Jesus says, “Martha, it is truly in answer to your own prayer. You have prayed fervently that your children, husband, and yourself never, never be separated from Me. My Sacred Heart within you assures this. You have also prayed for certain souls that you know are not seeking Me. There is no response to My seeking them. Martha, these souls cannot be rescued or even turned toward Me through human means, or prayer alone. They require CONSTANT prayer and that prayer MUST be through my Most Sacred Heart. Let the ache serve as a reminder to you. Offer up all you do, and all your prayers each day through my Sacred Heart within you, and together, WE will bring these souls HOME to OUR FATHER.” Prayer: O, Jesus, let this aching of your Most Sacred Heart within serve to humble me. And, by my offering up to you all that I am, all that I do, and all that I pray this day, may all those souls who do not even hear your knock at least turn and glance in your direction, that You, in your unfathomable, tender love can enfold them in your everlasting Divine Mercy and bestow upon them the Grace of your salvation. I ask this, Jesus, through your most merciful and loving Sacred Heart. Amen.
Mar 26, 2010 – The tears want to come. I tell Him that if I close my eyes as I usually do, I will be sure to cry. He says, “Keep them open and look into My eyes.” I pray, “Do not let go of me, Lord.” He says, “I CANNOT let go. I have placed my Sacred Heart within you. I can no more let go of you than I could separate from myself.” I say, “But, I am so unworthy, Lord.” He says, “Yes, but you are WILLING.” I say, “I am willing, for I cannot bear to be apart from You.” He says, “Martha, you are the only one who can let go. I cannot, for I need you to reach the souls I am longing for, and who cannot be reached any other way than by a willing soul, in union with Me, who offers up all prayers and suffering on their behalf through my Most Sacred Heart. So you see, Martha, you and I can never be apart as long as you continue to come to me willingly.”
My heart has been aching throughout The Stillness, and also, ever since that day, March 20th, every time I think of those souls in need, or His Sacred Heart. Earlier in my Daily Prayer Journal I called Jesus Solace and spoke of how I was struggling with doubt, and thoughts of stopping, because I thought I needed validation and praise from others. I asked Him to help me fight Satan and to know that it is mine to share Him, and His to decide its influence. And, I reaffirmed that God is truly the only feedback I need. All Glory is His; none of it mine. I thanked Him for this opportunity to grow ever closer in union with Him.
Mar 27, 2010 – As normal today I picture Jesus, heavily robed in white, there to place His hands on my head welcoming me into The Stillness, but immediately, He is also standing at a distance and His white robe is overlaid with a red one. Images of Fr. Petrie (the Mission), Fr. Bluett, and The Bishop come to mind, but beyond them, Jesus is saying, “Come to Me; Run to Me.” I do, and He says, “Continue to ready your journal. You will know when and where to show it. I will BE there with you.” “And so will I,” says Mary. And so will I,” says the Holy Spirit.
Mar 28, 2010 – There is too much noise in the house. Jesus says, “It is okay, Martha. Go in peace, we will meet up again throughout your day. Just take me with you. Offer everything up to Me.”
Mar 28, part 2 – God-incidences
For the past several months my husband, Turner, and I have occasionally attended Saturday evening Mass at The Mary Queen of The Universe Shrine. A few of these times I have gone into their gift shop in search of a Crucifix for our bedroom. (The one I had was an over the door crucifix and I wanted a larger, more detailed one.) It couldn’t be just any one, I Knew it had to be special. I kept telling Turner that I didn’t see one I liked, when, in reality, I didn’t see one I felt God wanted me to have! Yesterday, I tried again. They had a few new ones out, and I zeroed in immediately on one, picked it up and carried it all around the store, but I already KNEW it was coming home with me. It is VERY different from any I have ever seen. It is Italian, and in color. Above Jesus hanging on the Cross is GOD, The Father, with His hands outstretched. A little over to the right and just above Jesus’ head is The Holy Spirit. Below Jesus’ feet is Mary, standing.
To prove this is a God-incidence, just go back in my Stillness to Jan 9, Feb 3, Feb 13, Feb 16, Mar 3 and Mar 13. I actually feel that God SENT me this Crucifix to help me meditate on His Holy Trinity. The images I had been seeing in previous times in The Stillness were so that I would recognize it and know that this was MY Crucifix. I asked the store clerk for one in a box, as I did not want to take their display. I then tried to explain all of this to Turner on the way out to the car. (I can only imagine what he was thinking … that just possibly I am a bit over the top!) In the car, I opened the flap on the box and there, in very large print, was “The Prayer Before A Crucifix.” See Stillness Mar 5 & 7, then tell me this is not MY Crucifix. No other explanation is possible for me! It is a God-incidence, and it now hangs in my room to remind me daily that He is in control of everything!
Mar 29, 2010 – My mind fights The Stillness today. Jesus says, “See, Martha, it is you who leaves. I am still here, as I always am. You must fight to stay here with Me. You gain so much more when The Stillness is continuous and not segmented. You must fight for it.”
Thank you, Lord, for the encouraging words of others. Continue to bolster and guide me, and bless your work through me.
Mar 30, 2010 – The Stillness Is Mary’s again. Her Son has gone off to pray. Mary knows danger is looming. She has a sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach. She knows some of His followers are with Him and hopes they will keep Him safe. They do not. She hears He has been arrested and races to where they have taken Him, her heart pounding wildly. She hopes for a glimpse of Him, and that He might see her, knowing she would do anything possible to relieve Him of this destiny, even take His place. She sees a crowd gathering and knows instinctively that He is there. Pushing through the back of the crowd she gets close enough to see. There He is, her Son! Her heart stands still. He is tethered to a post. His slumping body is bloodied and beaten. Through silent sobs she watches as the inhuman torture continues. Each wielding of the whip brings a new torment, another tear in His precious body, more blood. She longs to cry out, but doesn’t. She wants all eyes on Him to bear witness to His pain and suffering, to remember for always, to remember for all mankind. Then she sees the Crown. As they place it on His head and press down to secure it, to inflict unfathomable pain, her head reels and her legs begin to give out from under her. “No, No,” she says, and forces herself upright. She must see; He is her Son. They have spat on Him and given Him a reed to hold. They are mocking Him. She feels such anger rising within her and she knows she cannot act on it. She can do nothing! They lower the Cross onto His shoulder. She sees Him falter under the weight. Her heart cries out to God, “Help Him. If You truly love Him, help Him!” She sees the blood from the Crown of Thorns streaming into His eyes and down His face. Her heart cries out again to God. “Help Him! Can’t someone at least wipe His face!” She follows in the crowd, at times racing ahead, trying to place herself along the roadside to be there when He passes by. “Let Him see me, God. Let Him know I am here.” She witnesses Simon, the Cyrenian, being forced to help Him, and sees His face being wiped by a woman. At once she knows God has heard and answered her pleas. She knows her Son is in God’s hands. Her pain for her Son is enormous, unbearable, but she knows she will bear it, and so will He, for it is God’s will, and His will must be done. She continues on to Golgotha. Her heart is waiting, waiting for it to be over.
(See Stillness Mar 22 for the completion, yet actually written before.)
Mar 31, 2010 – Today, I attended morning Mass at Holy Spirit. Fr. Bluett said the Mass, (He had not been the priest at the previous ones I attended) and afterward I spoke with him. I explained there was something going on in my prayer life, and while it was good, I felt I needed to speak with someone about it. As he needed to leave for a meeting in Orlando, we left it that I would be in touch and then we would meet. I went into the church to pray and become Still before the Blessed Sacrament and the Divine Mercy Image. As soon as I tried to go into The Stillness, I felt I was being TOLD to see if Fr. Bluett had left for Orlando yet. I had brought the original pages from my Stillness Journal and felt God was pushing me to find Fr. Bluett and give Him my journal. I said, “Okay, Lord. If he has not left yet I will know you mean for me to do this!” As I leave and begin to drive away, I do not see his car, at least the car I remember him driving. I quickly call Turner and ask him what car he drives. He describes it, but I am already down the road. God is yelling at me now, so I turn the car around and drive back the few blocks to the church office. There is his car with the assistant priest sitting in the passenger side waiting for Fr. Bluett. I pull off to the side, get out and go to the car. As I am beginning to explain that I would like to leave this for him to give Fr. Bluett, he comes out to leave, sees me, says “I’ll be right with you, and goes back in. After a moment he comes. I give him the original notebook copy of my journal and ask him to contact me after he has had time to read it through.
At our office, I print out a typed copy of an introduction/explanation of my journal and plan to mail it, or give it, to Fr. Bluett. I let Colleen read it to see if it flows and makes good sense. She is very supportive and says it does help her to better understand all that I am doing; how it came about. She is really the first person I try to personally discuss and explain this all to. Her support means a lot to me and gives me strength to continue.
Later, I am with my Dad and I keep getting the thought that I should tell him about my journal. I am a little nervous to do so, but I do share that I have a personal prayer journal and I have given it to Fr. Bluett and that I intend to talk with the priest about my prayer life. He, too, is supportive and says that is a good thing.
Thank you, Lord, for the support of friends and family. It is IN YOUR HANDS!
That same day, late in the afternoon, I get a phone call from Fr. Bluett and we arrange to meet in the morning.