April, 2010

Journey Through The Stillness – April, 2010

Apr 1, 2010 – Jesus says, “Fr. Bluett will receive you graciously, and will understand.”  I hear, but fear and doubt have wormed their way in.  I ask Him to please say it again for me, and He says, “Fr. Bluett will HEAR you.”  I ask, “Yes, but will he understand?”  Jesus says, “Yes, he will hear you and understand you.  He needs this just as much as you do.  The two of you will be good together.”

 Apr 2, 2010 – Yesterday, Holy Thursday, I met with Fr. Bluett.  As Jesus told me beforehand, Fr. received me graciously. He heard me, and understood.  He feels I am right to believe I am being led by God in The Stillness.  His most important advice to me was to continue on, but to never act on anything too quickly or rashly.  If it is truly in my heart, it is God.  If it is in my mind only, then I must question it.  He also told me that while I carefully follow His lead, He can change the focus at any moment to a different direction.  I am to go where I feel he is leading, but remain open to ALL possibilities.  Sensing that I feel somewhat overwhelmed by it all, another piece of advice he gave was not to try to do everything all at once.  Pick what I feel is the most urgent thing and go with that, such as sharing my journal on the Facebook Group Page.  Maybe other things need time to percolate in order to become fully developed, such as the art.  In His time all will be accomplished that is supposed to be.

     Thank you, God, for leading me to this most caring, dedicated priest to understand and guide me.  Bless him and me, as I (we) go forward.

     Because it is Good Friday today, in The Stillness I just sat and reflected on the Passion of Our Lord.  May God have mercy on me, a sinner. Amen.

 Apr 3, 2010 – Holy Saturday – My mind is not capable of truly entering The Stillness today.  I am there only enough to hear Him say, “Take everything; all you have to do this day, and offer it up through my most Sacred Heart fort Frances.”  We are waiting for news, as she is in hospice on the east coast of Florida.  We are hoping to go to her this evening to see her for the last time.  My heart is heavy, Lord.  Help me to be that person you want me to be, and that they need me to be.

 Apr 4, 2010 –  Today is Easter Sunday.  My husband’s sister, Frances, was called to heaven today.  God chose her to be part of His Risen Son’s Homecoming Celebration.  We are hurting here, yet she is hurting no more … never again will she suffer.

     At Mass earlier this morning:  It is very crowded and we must sit in the Chapel part behind the glass.  In the morning light there is a full reflection in the glass, in front of us, of a stained glass window of Mary that is behind us.  Through Mary’s image, and a little to the right of her, I can see the Resurrected Christ, with the Holy Spirit above Him, that hangs above the altar of the main Church area.  To the left through the glass I can see the artwork representing The Last Supper and Christ is breaking the bread.  I am at once reminded to remember Mary in all of this … her pain and then her joy.  I am also reminded of my journal entry of Feb. 3rd where I kept seeing overlaid images of the Trinity, and I remarked that they were like transparencies overlaid.  This is EXACTLY how these images appeared today in the church!

 Apr 5, 2010 – It is the Risen Christ in The Stillness.  He is jubilant.  I seeFrances’ face.  She is gazing at Him and softly smiling.  I am very tired this morning.  I have a difficult time holding on to The Stillness.  He lets me go.  I have seen what He needed me to see.

 Apr 6, 2010 – Today as I go into The Stillness I am thinking about how I continue to repeat my sins over and over again.  Even though I am truly sorry, I must not be sorry enough.  Jesus says to me, “When you hear the inner voice, just stop.  If that voice is not enough then see Me on the Cross, and if that is STILL not enough to stop you, then remember that the pain of the Crucifixion was not my greatest pain … it was the weight of your sins when I had to carry the cross.  That is what caused, and causes Me to this day, the most suffering.  You KNOW Me and continue to sin.  How can I expect those who don’t know Me to come to Me, when those who do know Me cannot.  Pray for increased strength, Martha, and I will help you.  You are mine, and I am yours.”

 Apr 7, 2010 – I cannot still my mind today.  As I come to realize that I am not going to be able to, I ask again, as at the beginning, “Are You there, Lord?”  He says, “Yes, Martha, I am here as always, but you are not.”  He looks into my eyes and I look into His.  The Stillness ends.

 Apr 8, 2010 – Jesus realizes that with Lent and Easter over I am having trouble maintaining intensity of feeling and maintaining The Stillness.  He sits knee to knee, gently leans in and pulls me forward by my upper arms.  I look into His EYES; He looks into my SOUL.  He sees I have guilt and genuine remorse over something I have been struggling with for some time, and had confessed to the Mission priest.  In the car I often listen to inspirational talks, or the Rosary on CD. These always begin with the Sign of The Cross.  I make the sign and pray along with the Rosary out loud.  I often find myself embarrassed and look to see if others are watching.  I will turn my head the other direction or time joining in the prayers so as not to be seen.  I am not embarrassed by my faith. I just don’t want others to think of me as a kook.  This has been weighing heavily on me. I see myself as Peter, denying Christ, yet I still do it.  Today my daily reading in “God Calling” read as follows, “My children must make a stand… Today in life and work, in Love and service, My children must be outstanding.  I called a Peculiar People to make known My Name.  My servant Paul said that My followers must be willing to be deemed “fools” for My Sake.”  While looking into His eyes I ask for His help in this matter.  He says, “At that moment picture Me hanging on the Cross.  Feel your fleeting, yet real, embarrassment and offer it up to Me, through My Most Sacred Heart within you.  Offer it for the souls who do not seek me, and yet, I am all around them.”

     I can do this.  I can turn my own personal embarrassment into a sacrificial offering on behalf of others.  Instead of guilt driving me away from Our Lord, I can rejoice in and look forward to enduring this small public discomfort.  I will use it as a tool to witness for Him.  As He said, “I am ALL around them.”  Maybe seeing me praying in public will stir a longing in their soul … and, that is all it takes!  All Glory and Praise are yours, O Lord.

 Apr 10, 2010 – Yesterday was the service fort Frances.  Today I sit, and I sit and there seems to be nothing.  I continue to sit; determined.  When I finally “give up” and say to the Lord, “Today there is nothing.  I have no feeling.”  He says, “It is not about what YOU feel or don’t feel.  It is about BEING; not being who you think you should be or want to be.  It is about being who I NEED you to be.  YOU can not MAKE it happen.  You must just LET it happen.  Just be you; Just be Martha.”

 Apr 11, 2010 – I ask if He is there.  I think there is no response, and yet, I have this sense of being urged to switch my figure of Christ carrying the Cross to my one of The Risen Christ.  I ask again, “Are You there Lord?”  The answer is yes.  He says to me, “Find me now in your Risen Lord.  Do not focus so much on the Cross.  Find your joy, again, in Me as your Risen Lord.”  I say, “I feel saddened, because I worked so hard all through Lent to go through your Passion alongside Mary.  I saw and felt your pain, Lord.  And yet, I fall back and repeat my same sins over and over again.  I so desired to be made worthy of your love and sacrifice.  How can I ever hope to be worthy when I go on and on as the truly wretched sinner that I am.  How do I live in your joy then, Lord?”  Jesus says, “It is true, Martha, that when you say or do that which you know to be wrong, I flinch.  I flinch just as if to avoid a slap in the face.  Sometimes I do not move quickly enough and must bare the full force of the slap.  You would not slap your precious cat, or dog, across the face, but you would Me.  Think on this, Martha.  Keep it in mind.  The next time, you find yourself starting to do or say what is wrong, picture yourself actually slapping Me, or your pet, across the face with great force.  It makes you cringe, doesn’t it?  I know you do not CHOOSE to hurt Me, Martha, but until you actually REALLY SEE ME IN ALL OTHERS, you will continue to do so.  Remember, though, it took you 56 years to get to this point in OUR relationship.  You will not become a saint overnight.  It is a JOURNEY and while your failures cause BOTH you and I pain, overall, it is an onward and upward journey that brings us both great joy.  SEE Me on the Cross, but LIVE in Me as your Risen Lord.  Be that joyful Martha that I love so, and continue to share it with all that they may see Me in you, and then find Me in themselves.” 

          I am in awe.  He is my teacher, my “Rabboni”.  I am off to switch my figurine of the Cross on my dresser, for the figurine of my Risen Lord, downstairs in the living room.  My journey begins anew armed with the knowledge that my efforts are pleasing to Him (and that my failures are not insurmountable).  I will become worthy; no, I am worthy!

 April 12, 2010 – He is here before me and says, “I am your Risen Lord.  Let your joy be made full, and then let your joy be made known.  Let it be known that after the Cross there was ECSTASY!  Yes, you must trod the Way of the Cross to get to the Ecstasy, for I am The Way, The Truth, and The Life.  You have trodden The Way, now live in The Truth, and you will share in the Ecstasy of Eternal Life with Me!  Each time you confess your sins sincerely and contritely, you begin to live anew in The Truth.  Yes, the cycle repeats itself again and again.  You sin, I forgive, and that is the crux of humanity.  It is in your striving to live in The Truth that I find great joy, and it is in the coming for forgiveness that I find great comfort.  Continue to persevere, and in doing so, I will take great pride in bringing you into the Ecstasy.  ALWAYS, remember, I am IN you and you are IN Me.  Together we are ONE!  Be the ME in you, and WE will triumph.

 April 13, 2010 – I ask are you there, Lord, and Jesus speaks right away, “Yes, Martha, I am here.  I was already here the moment your heart leapt with concern.  You are my daughter, and so in turn is your daughter my daughter.  I have her, Martha.  Yes, I have her.  Yours is to pray steadfastly, love from the heart, guide by example, and leave all to Me.”

 April 14, 2010 – I am in The Stillness, sitting.  I begin to notice that I am being encircled by sheep.  I stand, and at once, there are sheep 360 degrees around me.  They are pressing against my legs, with their warm soft woolly bodies.  I love it!  Then, Jesus, the Shepherd, is beside me; Mary too.  He says, “This is my flock, Martha.  Some have come to Me through you, and then through Me to My Father.  I wanted you to see this and to tell you that you must continue to show My Heart in you to others.  Continue to invoke Mary to help you.  She is your door to Me.”  Mary is gone now.  Some sheep are bleating, some are eating grass, and some are looking up at Me, and Jesus.  One is very close, looking up at me with soft brown eyes.  I reach down and caress the side of his face.  He becomes my beautiful Beagle, Scout!  Jesus smiles.  He can always reach out to me through animals.  Then He is gone.  The Stillness is over and I am off to share His Heart with any “sheep” who will come near.

 April 15, 2010 – Before The Stillness I was reading in Sr. Faustina’s Diary.  She was on retreat, and each day God asked her to read specific sections in The Gospel of John.  So, each day, I also read them.  Today, the reading was John: 21 and Jesus told her to “let it feed her heart more that her mind”.  I am in awe once again because of the whole incident with the sheep yesterday.  John: 21 is Jesus asking Peter three times if he loves Him.  And each time Peter answers yes, the Lord says FEED or TAKE CARE OF MY SHEEP. I know that the Lord said to take this gospel more to heart than to mind because He knows of my guilt about publicly DENYING Him by not wanting to make outward signs of faith (Sign of The Cross) while driving in the car.  GUILT is in the MIND; SORROW is in the HEART.  He sees my remorse just as He saw Peter’s and He STILL wants me to share my journey with His SHEEP!  As I have said before, we must PAY ATTENTION!  The connection between yesterday’s Stillness and today’s readings are undeniable to me.  Need I mention God-incidence?

          In The Stillness, today, I am on fire with love for Our Lord, and my heart is physically aching.  I offer it up for the souls He has entrusted to me through His Most Sacred Heart within me; those souls who do not look for Him even though He is everywhere around them, if they would but glance His way.  I see my pencil sketch of Mary.  He is asking me to post it on Fb for all to see.  He tells me to sign it with just my first name, Martha.  I know I am being pushed outside my comfort zone again, and yet, as His daughter, I cannot refuse my Father.

 April 16, 2010 – “Do not be self-righteous.  The work is MINE. You are the vessel.  My aching Heart within you is to serve as a reminder for you to pray for those souls who are lost and cannot come to me except through my Most Sacred Heart.  Your work is to spread My love and joy.  I will speak THROUGH you; you do not speak through Me.” 

          Prayer:  O, My Jesus, grant me humility and strength of resolve to go forth from your Sacred Heart within me to share your love and joy with all I come into contact with, especially, those souls who cannot reach You except through your infinite Divine Mercy and the unbinding love of your Sacred Heart.  Grant me the wisdom to know the difference between your words and mine.  Speak through me that others might hear.  I ask this in the name of your Most Sacred Heart. Amen.

 April 17, 2010 – I am feeling I haven’t much time today.  He says, “It’s fine, go, go, go!  I am in you, and you are in Me.  It means much to Me that you take this time to come to Me.  Now go, enjoy your day.  Enjoy your husband!”

 April 18, 2010 – I see my Risen Lord before me.  Jesus says, “Here is where you should dwell.  It is in The Risen Lord that a soul finds Love, Light, Solace, and Joy.  It is here a soul is COMPLETE.  When you seek forgiveness you must then let Me down OFF the Cross.  Yes, the Cross will have to be revisited.  It is human nature to sin.  But, the forgiveness is ALWAYS there for the soul who seeks it.  The contrite and humbled sinner who asks forgiveness is then lifted to live once again in the Glory of The Risen Lord.  The sinner who does not ask, dwells lost in guilt and despair wondering why, and wondering how to stop the pain.  Tell them, Martha.  Tell them to come to Me, the ONE who loves them no matter what; the ONE who loves them at all cost by giving my life up for them; the ONE who is always patiently waiting, hoping that they will seek Me.  Tell them I am EAGER to forgive them and EAGER to welcome them into life with the Risen Lord, and that it can begin right here on earth.  Martha, write as I tell you, then share it with all.  Be humble, be brave; I am with you.”

 April 19, 2010 – Today my heart is physically aching and on fire with love for the Sacred Heart of Jesus.  This continues throughout my prayers, my readings, on into The Stillness, and even now as I write.  However, now, it is with a distinct heaviness, for in The Stillness I see something which I do not want to see and am not sure I can write about.  Jesus is sitting with a folded flag in His lap.  It is a flag from a soldier’s coffin.  It is only for a moment that I see this, but I am truly saddened with a grief I do not want, and fight.  I know I must lay my will down before Our Lord, and I do so, but with a heaviness and ache I cannot, and do not want to describe further.  I pray, “My Lord and My God be thou with me.  Do not forsake me or those I love.  Yet, you are my Lord and my God.”  I am crying now and Jesus says, “This is not just fun and games, all happy feelings.  This is about giving ALL to me, Martha, and then trusting in MY OUTCOMES.”

 April 20, 2010 – My mind is filled with distractions today.  The Stillness is difficult.  Then I realize that it is constant prayer He is wanting.

Prayer:  My Lord, and my God.  Today I offer up to You all distractions, sufferings, consolations, and joy.  I offer up to you all that I think, do, and say; all that I am.  May all that I offer be pleasing to You and serve as a constant prayer on behalf of all souls, both living and dead; especially those souls in purgatory; those souls who will die this day, and those dying at this very moment; those most in need of thy mercy; and most especially those souls who are not seeking You, who do not hear You knock.  If this be pleasing, Lord, then I also offer up to You the souls I love the most; my husband, children, and myself.  All this I ask in your name, Lord, through your most Holy and Immaculate Mother, Mary; through your Divine Mercy; and through your Most Sacred Heart within.  Amen.

 April 21, 2010 – Today The Stillness is immediate, as if He NEEDS to communicate something and has been waiting for me to come to Him. At once He lets me know that the readings I have just read are accurate and pertain to me.  Since I have received His Sacred Heart within me, I have looked for assurance and understanding of this gift.  I recently purchased a book entitled “Love, Peace, and Joy” by Fr. Andre Prevot.  In the 13th Century, Jesus gifted His Heart to Saint Gertrude, who in turn gifted her heart to Him.  She was to use His Sacred Heart to spread knowledge of Jesus’ great love for each of us, especially sinners; to tell all souls that they only need to glance, to look into His Heart and they will be drawn in.”

          I have only read about this in the last few days, and yet, that is the message I have been continually pouring out in my writings for weeks.  Today Jesus knows I am troubled by the image of a soldier’s flag and message to me on a previous day.  He lets me know, when He gifted His Sacred Heart to me, and by my offering my love to Him, I in turn allowed Him to take my heart.  He wants me, desperately, to understand that in doing so, each of my loved ones, Turner and my children, are now not only loved through the infinite love of His Sacred Heart, but also, now He loves them through my heart within Him, a Mother’s Heart.  I feel such a calm, reassuring peace.  I cannot describe all that this means to me.  My loved ones are enwrapped in their Father’s eternal love through the dedicated, self-sacrificing love of MY HEART beating within OUR Lord and Savior.  I know that it is all because I have given my heart to Jesus.  I realize that as good as I am feeling, the true meaning and message in this is really for EVERYONE.  His love and mercy toward a soul who loves Him knows no bounds.  And all He asks is that we but glance His direction so that He can grab onto us!

 April 22, 2010 – In my readings today, over and over I find more God-incidences (proof) that support all that continues to come to me through The Stillness.  My heart rejoices and I am eager to go into The Stillness even before I read this in Sr. Faustina’s Diary just prior to The Stillness, “Today my heart trembles with joy.  I desire very much that Jesus come to my heart.  My longing heart is inflamed with an ever increasing love.”  In The Stillness, Jesus asks, “Martha, do you require more proof?”  I answer, “No, My Lord.  The proof is everywhere, all around me.  It is there in the God-incidences, the readings, the actions and words of others, and the growing number of members on the Facebook page.  Most of all the proof is in your Most Sacred Heart within me.  I have come to love the dull ache that serves as my reminder and I offer it up to you, Lord.”  Then He says, “Well, Martha, this is what I have been waiting for from you.  This fervor to do my will; this fervor for souls to come newly to Me, or even closer to Me.  Take this fervor and continue on.  Press on for love of Me.  Share what is in OUR Heart with others.  Make them desire what you have.  But, Martha, they cannot desire it if they do not know about it.  Through sharing your happiness and joy, your zest for life, they will come to know it is ME in you, and they will want it for themselves.  Tell them if they will just LOOK at Me I can then begin my work in their heart.  Then, Martha it is between Me and them, but you MUST continue on reaching out to others.  I desire ALL to come home to Me.  Be joyful, Martha, your work is good.”

          Note – April 23 – I have been documenting, and cross referencing, for some time in my readings, journals, Sr. Faustina’s Diary, and now “Love, Peace, and Joy”, every time that I read about something AFTER I have already experienced it in The Stillness.  They have become so numerous that I can hardly keep up.  Hence, Our Lord’s question, “Do you require more proof?”  Then, I read today in LPJ (pg29), “One day Saint Mechtilde, astonished at the proofs of the tender love of the Heart of Jesus, through a feeling of respect, was about to withdraw from Him a little, but He, on the contrary, drew her more closely saying:  “No, remain with Me, that I may enjoy my happiness.”

 April 23, 2010 – Today Jesus takes My hand and we start to walk along that same stream.  I say, “Please don’t take your Sacred Heart from Me, Lord.”  He assures me that He will not, that it is there not only because of my acceptance, but also because of my courage, and love for souls in need.  He then says, “I hear we are going to spend time with Keith today. Yes, Martha, I will be there too.  Just as you are my daughter, Martha, he is also my son.  Rest assured that your prayers are answered.  I have him; I am with him.  Now, let’s go together in peace and enjoy our blessed day with our boy!”

 April 24, 2010 – “Your happiness brings me great pleasure, Martha.  Especially since it is rooted in Me.  You pay attention to the smiles, joys, and gifts I send you, but you must also pay as much attention to those times when you hurt or offend me by your words, actions, or thoughts.  You ask to never be separated from Me, when it is you who does the separating.  Work on this, Martha, I cannot; only you.  My grace is here for the taking.  Lean on Me. I will help by reminding you, but only you can stop yourself.  You transformation is continual.  There is still much to accomplish.  And, together, we will.”

 April 25, 2010 – Jesus says, “Not everyone is called to do this.  Not all are called, either, to the life of the religious, such as priest or nun.  Some are called to teach, either in a classroom, or by example.  Some are called to be astronauts that they may bear witness to the magnificence and intricacies of the universe to others.  Each soul must find its own way.  Tell them, Martha, ALL ARE called, and they must seek to know what they are called for.  They must be told, however, that the only way to find the answer is through Me.  Tell them to ask Me. I am here, waiting.  Tell them to come to Me, Martha.  I have the answers for everything in their life, if they would but come to Me.”

 April 26, 2010 – Today is about me just being there, willing.  No messages.  Images are sketchy; a tiara/crown, a beautiful woman in a beautiful dress, but all this is fragmented.  I cannot describe the woman, or the dress.  She was more of a glimpse rather than a full image.

          Today my Daily Prayer Journal is filled with thankfulness for blessing received over the weekend.  It is filled with answered prayer!  I offer it all up on behalf of those souls who do not KNOW Him.

 April 27, 2010 – It is my Risen Lord in all His Glory.  Such light is radiating all around and from Him.  I realize light is radiating from me also.  He says, “You are doing all I ask of you, Martha.  This pleases Me very much.”  I say, “But, I feel there is more I should be doing.”  He says, “There is, and it will come.  I have been giving you this time to catch up with yourself, to practice, if you will, so that seeking and doing my will becomes part of your routine, becomes part of who you are.  For now that is enough.  But, the time will come when WE will move on; do bigger things together.”

 April 28, 2010 – Jesus says, “You are tired today.  It is okay to just rest here with Me and then go.  Just remember to take Me with you, and to be the Martha I know you can be.

 April 29, 2010 – It takes a long time for my mind to settle into The Stillness.  Then, the hand of Jesus is in my lap.  I see the nail wound.  He takes my hand and I stand.  At once, I am in Him, seeing through His eyes.  We are walking.  I FEEL His pride in the beauty of all creation.  We walk for a while just relishing in the Glory of all that is His.  Then we come to an edge, more like a wall of fog or cloud.  He says, “We cannot go any farther, Martha.  Besides, you would not want to.”  I ask Him why, and He says, “Beyond this point is your future.  You cannot know it.  You must come to it one day at a time.  There is both great sadness and great joy … such is life.  You will live THROUGH the sadness and, because you have Me, you will live IN the joy.  If we continued on from this point the sadness would overwhelm you and you would not be able to get to the joy.  You would also see blank spaces, yet to be determined by YOU, by your choices.  I have given all souls a free will to choose to be with Me or not.  So far, Martha, you have chosen Me.  You will be tempted and attacked by my enemies.  But, remember, Martha, even if you cannot see or feel Me in the physical sense, that I am always a glance away.  I will be your strength, your courage, your faith, your hope, your breath.  I AM the LIFE within you.  Live through my Heart and sadness will fade quickly into joy.  Keep choosing Me, Martha.  If you do, then what is beyond this fog is a future with everything you could possibly hope for, and then, life everlasting with Me and your loved ones.”

          At one point, early on, I caught a deep breath, and quickly asked if He was now taking His Heart from Me.  He assured me He was not.  “I will never take it back unless you ignore it.”  It seems today’s message is one of choices.  If we ignore Him, we choose to live outside of Him.  We cannot know our future; it would be too much knowledge and may sink us before we swim.  He wants us to know that life with Him is not free from sadness, but that sadness (pain & suffering) are part of the path TO Him.  If we choose Him, He will bring us through the sadness and into a place where we are secure and joyful, where nothing, not even Satan, can harm us.  What a promise He makes!  And yet, so many “ignore” His knock.

          I have also learned through all of this that sometimes WE ARE THE KNOCK on someone’s door!  Hopefully, He is using my “Journey Through The Stillness” to knock on some doors, maybe to call anew and rekindle, or maybe even a FIRST CALL!  I hope the knocking is not ignored.  I love all of you, and am humbled to have you following along in my journal. 

          P.S.  I leave The Stillness each day so fired up for the Lord.  I hope you do too!

 April 30, 2010 – “Continue to humble yourself before Me in contrition for your sins.  Do not question this.  You must continue to write about it so that others can see I have CHOSEN you, faults and all.  Through you they can see that they too can approach Me, come before Me, sins and all.  Through you, they will know that if they do, I will ENWRAP them in my great love for all mankind.  They will become one with Me.  Their lives will have new purpose and meaning.  They will no longer be lost sheep.  Tell them, Martha, that I KNOW it is possible to be PART of the herd, following along, and STILL be lost.  Tell them to glance my way so that I might absorb them in Mercy and Love.  Tell them, that as I have with you, I might even choose to use them!”  He smiles broadly with a gleam in His eye.  My heart is aching, filled with longing.  The Stillness is over.


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